He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
