The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
