My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
