I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
