My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
