She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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