We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
