I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
She told me I should be a condom model.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
