I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
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