dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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