When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Randomize
