Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
