I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
