Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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