Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
