I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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