mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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