mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
