I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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