Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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