oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
They took my balls.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
