I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
