I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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