I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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