operation have a gay friend backfired
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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