I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
