worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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