I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
