Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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