it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
