i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
