If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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