next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize