i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
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