I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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