i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize