I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
