Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Every concussion has its silver lining
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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