he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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