the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
