I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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