Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
