I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
