i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
