I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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