i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
