She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
