that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
