Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
whose ass print is on the piano?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
