Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize