I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
