do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
