Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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