Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
