I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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