i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
what day is it and did you see me today?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
