Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
this hospital has no fireball
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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