Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
