The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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