just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
