cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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